Disclaimer: Faint of heart need not continue reading. Also, I will allow you to stare at this for as long as you like, and then scroll down for my play by play Worst Of Award hows and whys.

Thanks go to Heather Hughes Uzdavinis for the photo, which she snapped five years ago at a King Soopers grocery market in Wheatridge, Colorado. So everybody mark your atlas and get that destination on your bucket list. And I do mean you should probably bring a bucket…or maybe two buckets. Yeah. Gross.

So…Let us start with the less obvious issues and progress to the grand slam (I need no poetic license there, for those on the tally). I’ll simply list the elements I first wish to discuss, and then continue with some literary criticism (?):

1. “Each”
2. “7 oz”
3. “More value for the way you live.”
4. “sm”

Okay so as you may have noticed, even the fine print here is completely amazing and rife with uh-oh.

Now that I’ve listed those, I actually want to go in on the headline “Cracker Barrel Cracker Cuts Cheese Extra Shart”. I’m just delighted at any scenario wherein this was printed and displayed. Really. Be it negligence, some kind of passive aggressive employment situation, or too many cooks stirring the soup (sorry, not sorry)…this is perfection.

So many questions.

1. Was it somebody disenchanted by a personal experience eating Cracker Barrel Crackers?
2. Or…is there a thing called “Cracker Cuts” that is meant to describe the cheese?
3. Why seven ounces?
4. Is the price awesome enough for that fabulous sunburst on the sign (burst…sorry I can’t escape it)?
5. What shall we make of the phrase “the way you live” — do we need this kind of value? Is this a judgment?
6. I’m amazed by the skill set in place to quantify the price and WEIGHT!!! THE WEIGHT OF THIS ITEM! Okay that wasn’t a question. But still.

Today is the fifth anniversary of when my friend Heather took this photo, on that wondrous day. It begs revelry. Wet Clean-up, my dear readers. Happy anniversary Heather. And thank you for your service.